Reading - you beaut.

Ok so this is long overdue. I have been lazy but I’m sure by now we are used to this, so no use crying over spilt milk etc etc, let us begin. It is time for me once again to cast my metaphoric fishing rod into the stream that happens to contain metaphorical fish shaped memories. In the words of ADTR - LET’S GO!

This blog entry is dedicated to Reading festival and what a beautiful festival it is. The place is alive with the stench of youthful exuberance, cider and burning chairs, what a great combination! The build-up to this years festival was long and my excitement was truly brimming when the day finally came. It was a stormy night in Gotham city....I mean Harlow... when I was picked up by Andy in his absolute beast of a jeep; this beaut was a pleasure to ride in - so much room for activities! The convoy from H-Town to Reading was rather impressive although in the monsoon one of our noble steeds (cars) was lost but all was fine in the end. Upon arriving in Reading there was true magic in the air, the kind of magic Harry Potters wand spewed after he has beer bonged a few too many strongbows!

After the strenuous waiting about and slogging across a site similar to the Somme, we finally set up our beautiful little camp. Situated close to the beautiful hedge in Orange campsite, this place was to be our home for the next few days. This stretch of mud saw atrocities reminiscent of a Japanese POW camp and party’s reminiscent of an all girl’s catholic boarding school after they managed to sneak in boys and vodka. I had so much fun over these days and the memories I have will hold a dear place in my mind for the remaining years of which I can actually remember stuff. How about I take a few moments to document some of these moments of tomfoolery and charming youthful fun, yes I shall. I met a good few new people on this trip and as ever meeting new people is one of my favourite tipples, they were all ever so cool and contributed to the overall experience. And of course all of the pals I went with you guys made it too, you are all crazy yet beautiful human beings who I am proud to call my friends - we did well guys. Ok enough sentiment, time to mention the SCUTTLERS. Wow what a beautiful activity scuttling is, for those of you who do not know it basically involves choosing a target, then encircling said target while chanting 'Scuttle,scuttle, scuttle scuttle scuttle'. A new breed of scuttler was developed at Reading, our numbers grew and the scuttling was top notch, well done everyone! My personal favourite scuttle was the girl who got the Fosters crate over her head... BAM she couldn't see a thing! Our lovely campfire that consisted of stolen chairs is also worth a mention, the mountain of charred tent poles was a sight to behold, shame the dweeby security/ghostbuster had to come and put it out with his water pistol! The crazy drug/alcohol induced acts that went on in camp were numerous and if I were to write about them all I think I may be here until next year’s festival so I think I shall move on....to the music!

I almost forgot Reading was a music festival while writing about the camp antics....but I assure you it is! This year I watched some great performances and musically it was one of the best festivals I’ve been too. The Libertines reunion was always going to be either a huge success or a heroin tainted (baby)shambles, (notice what I did there?). I was ever so glad though to bear witness to an amazing set, Barat/Doherty/Hassall and Powell gripped me by the testicles that evening and dragged me on a sweaty/boozy journey back to the early days of the libertines and I bore witness to the last true English rock legends doing their thing. These guys blew me away and I take my imaginary hat off to them, they are all great at what they do and regardless of what anyone says Doherty is a genius! Weezer were another great performance and one of my favourite of the weekend. These guys bring a whole new dimension to the stage and I found myself in a happy little Weezer inspired bubble while watching them, Rivers Cuomo is a man after my own heart, he is a genius just like myself and is unlike any front man I have ever borne witness too, quite simply he's the man! Musically these guys are brilliant and I found myself dragged into skit around the streets of Beverley Hills - courtesy of Rivers and co! A memorable performance was that of Guns and Roses, but not for the right reasons. Axel Rose is quite possibly the biggest moron on the face of the Earth, and after turning up an hour late (potential because his oversized ego got stuck in a doorway?), he and his cronies put on a lacklustre performance that was cut short due to licensing laws. We attempted to rush the stage but we were tackled down by the hired goons. Fuck you Axel! Other bands worth mentioning in no particular order are: A Day To Remember, this guys are awesome, they rocked hard and had an impressive array of hardcore boy band moves like the in sync head banging! Blink 182 were a pleasure to watch but they let me down slightly, I fear I was expecting too much maybe? Mumford and Sons were brilliant, the crowd around the NME tent was huge, like thousands of ants trying to converge around one lump of delicious Mumford and Son flavoured sugar. These guys are destined for big things I’m sure, me and Craig managed to sneak backstage and meet them, we even saw them warm up before they went on stage in a tiny backstage cabin, they were all singing and playing their instruments in harmony it was quite special to watch! A few other bands that were swell included The King Blues, Limp Bizkit, Biffy and Paramore to name but a few!

I fear this post has spiralled out of control, like a one man plane being flown by an alcoholic chimpanzee. Like all good things and all not so good things for that matter, Reading came to an end and so will this post. One thing I forgot to mention was I met Travis Barker, that guy is a dude, we are basically best friends now! Reading is an amazing festival, it's the playground of the young who with fire in their souls (not to mention cider and other narcotics) party with such a passion, a passion for life and not giving a fuck, sticking it to the man and burning stuff for the sake of making fire. The Reading riots can get out of hand but maybe it is due to the oppression the youth of today live under, Reading is an opportunity to vent our anger!....Ok I’m talking bollocks it's a bunch of pissed up kids being little hooligans but it is a hell of a lot of fun! If I ever have kids I’ll tell them of when their dad was a little shite just like themselves, scuttling innocent people and generally being a menace - oh how proud they'll be.

This has been quite a nice stroll down memory lane, although while walking down this lane I passed several dozen burnt tents and was scuttled by an angry group of teens! Until next time this is goodbye, and for my passing comment I will say this....life is good and I love you all (apart from the jerks), peace.

From the Brain and finger tips of Bobby Kalafi.

P.S - Back your hand up BOY!!! That was for Naya, hubba hubba ;)

x

Void

Dearest brain. I shall update this space soon, Newquay and all the madness it bought shall be spread upon these pages like a not so subtle sneeze.

Soon.

Soon.

I got bitten by the Glasto bug

I don't think I could ever give Glastonbury festival the credit it deserves using my mere mortal pen (well keyboard), but I sure can give it a go! I am writing this very much for my own benefit, so in my pre-senile mid-life glory days, I can look back and think, wow man you used to be cool! People often describe Glastonbury as something special but until you actually arrive for the first time and take in this place you don't fully appreciate its scale, the very magic that blows through this farm, mingled with the stench of human excrement of course!

I'm sure some wise, yet undoubtedly nerd like being once said something along the lines of 'It's not the destination, but the journey bla de bla'. But the journey to Glasto was great times, my car consisted of Craig, Flemmo and the Scotsman, we had some great laughs and the excitement was brimming. The excitement flowing through my veins was like a kind of Somerset homemade heroin; I couldn't wait for the biggest hit of them all that would shoot through me as the festival site slowly crept into view over some humble Pilton tree line. 3 hours of banter, a well timed mooney and general debauchery later we reached our goal, pulling into the car park I kinda felt as if I was pulling into my second home, my second home that I shared with 175000 others, all part of the same family flowing with good Karma. We eventually set up our camp, this place was home for the next 6 days, it treated us well and we attempted to keep it clean, sadly this didn’t work but luckily we didn't get rats (potential jibe aimed at James there).

When walking around Glastonbury I truly feel as if I belong, and I think this is one of the greatest things about the festival. It’s almost like another world, there are no prejudices and it seems everyone is accepted, what a beautiful vibe indeed. Black,White,Green or Yellow nobody cares, in a good way of course. The vastness of the festival itself always astounds me, I believe we must have walked close to 100 miles all in all, maybe less but 100 is a nice round number. We walked around so much but still saw less than half of it I’m sure. I read that the festival becomes the third largest city in Somerset or something which I thought was kinda cool, maybe you agree, maybe you don’t? I feel that the guys I went with helped make the festival what it was, heck I’m sure of it. Jumbo,Ryan,Ross,Craig,Jamie,Matt and Calum, you guys made this shit what it was, some of the best days of my life, thank you.

Ok enough of this emotional man love, maybe a mini review of the music as I guess it is a huge part of the festival. Although there were some great acts, this year in particular I took a different outlook. I wasn't overly fussed about seeing bands and didn't let it turn me into a maniac running from stage to stage, I took it easy and in true Glasto style took each day as it came, what a great way to live! Regardless of that heartfelt speech I did see quite a few bands anyway! I will try to rattle off a few of the more memorable ones. 'There's only one Rolfy Haaris, one Rolfy Haaris!' - Rolf opening the festival was perfect, dancing around as this Australian wizard sang all his greats made me so happy, as perfect a moment as I can recall in my so far beautifully lived life! Vampire weekend were well up there for me, this band truly are one of my favourites, and admittedly I once frowned upon them boy have I been converted to the church of vamp. I love their music, it takes me to a place I want to be, puts me into the frame of mind I want to be in, and most importantly it makes me happy. I think these guys are genius, particularly the front man Ezra, whom after meeting him at Reading and him allowing me and Craig to watch the band from the side of the stage, will always go down in my books as a true legend. The Courteeners will always stay in my memory for not particularly music reasons. I like a few of their songs but as middle of the road indie goes I’m not so won over, but in fairness these guys put on a great show. The true magic of their performance was created by us. Me and Craig managed to sweet talk, duck and dive our way onto the actual stage while they were playing, a great talent we seem to possess. Upon looking at the crowd and beside being blown away, we noticed Jumbo, Ross and Jamie waving up at us, then we spotted Matt and Ryan who were also shouting up at us, what a surreal moment that will surely stay with me. I'M TALKING BACKSTAGE! (had to be there moment!). After me and Craig got kicked out by security we managed to wade our way to the front of the crowd where we were all united, what a beautiful moment, for this I guess I must thank the Courteeners, however vain their front man is (Bell end). Biffy Clyros secret set was a beautiful super Scottish explosion of raw rocking energy, all fit into moderately tight orange jeans. This set was filled with such passion and raw brute irn-bru fuelled aggression it was a pleasure to behold, the huge crowds situated on the surrounding hills was equally impressive. The random gipsy like band we saw on the shoddy little bandstand stood out for sheer fun, there’s something about a band making you lay on your back and pretend to ride a bicycle that makes them somewhat memorable. Gorrilaz were special, in a good or bad way I still cannot decide. The passion shown by Damon Albarn was humbling but also kind of sad, as admittedly the crowd were not showing the appreciation he so desired. Maybe this performance will not go down in his mind as one of this best, but more like a blur of something that might have been. Wow I’m good. Oh that reminds me for some strange reason that Scissor sisters and their super campness-fuelled endless energy was insane, what a great act! Along with the cheeky Kylie appearance, maybe a warm up for her headline performance next year, I’m sure it’s on the cards, just whether or not Eavis chooses to deal it I guess! Muse were good, but as you can by my use of the extremely boring adjective 'good' they will not go down in my own personal history books as one of the greats. Oh yes and if anybody has a spare needle please lend it to Matt Bellamy to deflate his head, maybe him and the guy from Courteeners should consider a side project? Now onto the gem in Glastonbury’s musical crown, Stevie Wonder! Wow this performance was amazing, it was the perfect end to my festival, as me and some of the guys chilled from afar in our devilishly comfortable camping chairs, watching this God of Motown do his thing, and does anybody do this 'thing better', I greatly doubt this. As he paid tribute to Michael Jackson, playing 'Human Nature' on his harmonica, I knew I was witnessing musical legend in the flesh, a real 'Glastonbury moment' that will stay with me until my dying days!

I feel this entry has turned more into a short story, but hey it feels right, it just feels right, it feels the complete opposite to left, which is right. Maybe time for a few random yet amazing memories/stories/sayings that made this trip so great. To be honest I don’t fancy writing these fully so maybe a mish-mash list. Sounds good to me. The saying 'I'm Talking downtown' that evolved into a saying for all occasions e.g. I can’t wait to eat, I'm talking noodles!' - you get the picture. The general nicknames that developed, particularly 'King Boob', which was given to Jamie after his boob like actions, mainly for losing his ticket and being denied re-entry to the festival for about an hour - you're always getting left behind, I’m talking King Boob!'. My Chewbacca mask that I once put on in the morning wearing nothing put some skimpy pants and generally dancing around, sometimes with a spot of morning glory, how charming! Ryan being King Nap and overly sleeping along with James being a general drunken mess meeting random gay friends. Ross being a general comical genius introducing me to to phrases such as 'Gooons' and 'HEY BABEEEEY', pure magic. Mocking Cockburns general Scottishness and Flemmos tendency to fall in love. Craig just being himself, probably the funniest person i know and constantly having me in stitches, ' You may wanna cover me in butter, cos I’m one baked potato!'. Stealing some poor souls wheelbarrow and wheeling Craig proudly along in it. Our general sneaking backstage tricking the cavemen like security and meeting Alex Turner,Florence,Zane Lowe and fair few other cool individuals. Our epic journey home that could have been so depressing but which actually lead to so many laughs in our game of 'oneupmanship overtaking'- amazing game.

Like all good things, this post should really come to an end. Glastonbury really is something I feel everyone should experience, maybe it's not your cup of tea? But if it is, I guarantee you that will be the sweetest tea you ever drink. I have my amazing memories, the pictures and the slight tan. Thank you Glastonbury.

From my brain to yours with much sincerity,

Bob.

Well here i am, managing to squeeze this over due blog entry in the midst of frantic packing. Me and the motely crew shall soon be embarking on a journey of enlightenment, a journey of self discovery and extreme partying. We're going to a little village in Somerset for a festival known as Glastonbury. Boy oh boy am i excited, although my current packing efforts are somewhat non-existent. Packing really is quite lame, i don't like it one bit. It almost makes me nervous, packing stuff to go away and knowing it is very likely i have forgotten something. (That reminds me pack ticket will be right back!). Ok that's sorted, imagine that rolling up without a ticket, what a kick in the balls that would be!

But yes, the beautiful summer starts now in my books. Hitting the road with a group of my best pals, singing,shouting at passers by, getting naked erm i mean....but yes the road trip itself is a huge part of the fun, just hoping i don't fall asleep that would be all sorts of a catastrophe! Who knows what crazy people I'm going to meet over the next few days, which abstract bands I'm going to dance to as if my bones were non-existent - that's some crazy dancing right there! I have a lot to look forward to this summer and generally i am loving life right now. The people in my life are absolute gems, diamonds,sapphires and all other sorts of precious stones! Without the people around me who i love ever so much, my life wouldn't be fun at all so thank you one and all! (unless you are a dickhead of course!)

Well this blog is going to have to be short yet ever so delightfully sweet. I shall cheer on South Africa for another ten minutes (by the way i love the world cup, but that's a story for another day), and then i shall continue packing and this wonderful week long party shall begin.

Yours with love. Your biggest fan,

Bobby Kalafi VII

We made history

Wednesday has to be the worst day of the week surely. What good ever comes from a Wednesday, i'm alsmost angry at this day, this stupid day. It doesn't hold any of the promise of a Monday, the first of the week, anythings possible, the foot of the mountain that will be your week,the start of a great adventure. Ok so then you have Tuesday, Monday has flown past and you find yourself in Tuesday, thinking hey this is going well, nearly half way through the unexciting part of the week, you can see the peak of the mountain in the distance, life is good. Then BAM, Wednesday comes and ruins it all. You reach the peak of the week and think, oh that wasn't so great, i imagine Wednesday is prone to rain in general, and misery. Wednesday's only purpose is that it was put there to ensure the innocent Tuesday or noble Thursday were not tainted by the pitfalls of the middle day. The only good thing about a Wednesday is that when it's over, it's no longer Wednesday. Fuck you Wednesday.

So here i am, ready to consume a litre of metaphorical epicac and throw up the contents of my fictious memory gland into this blog. So what's been happening in my little world. Let us see. University is now done and dusted for another year, wow it sure did fly by and I am happy really, let summer commence. The exams went by ok and although i hardly revised i think i did ok, key word in this sentence being 'think', but hey time will tell. I don't really want to talk about uni anymore to be honest, it's quite a monotonous subject and nothing particularly exciting will devleop from its discussion. So onto more pressing subjects, ones which i feel deserve a new paragraph as this one is so boring, it's so very boring i'm considering deleting it. After a brief moment i have decided not too, but i shall start that new paragraph.

BAM. Ok here we go. On sunday i went to the 'Rage Factor' gig at Finsbury park, the gig put on by Rage Against the Machine in return for their earning Christmas number one. What a great story that was, a big 'Fuck you' to Simon Cowell, regardless if he did profit X Factors Joe McGaydry or whatever his name was missed out on his precious Christmas number one, unlucky pal. The gig was awesome in general, also it being completely free was a bit cool, very much a rareity these days. We saw Gallows play, those absolute filth-pot punk fiends put on a great show, general aggression seems a trait of theirs, and they pull it off well. Oh also L'Mour La Morgue were dj'ing, i believe it is the guy from Lostprohets and a pal, they were really good and would like to see them again. They were dropping some dubbeats that were filthier than the average Germans internet browsing history. Filth. Gogol Bordello played before rage and they were quality, i have a lot of time for this band and their gypsy punk persona, made up of Russian/Ukrainian/Israely and who knows what else, they sure put on a show and i can't wait to catch them at Reading this summer, get my bounce on, oh yes. Rage themselves were on fire, not literally that would have been messy, but musically they were on fire. Such a good gig, getting involved in some pits with the Craig Meister, getting the shit knocked out of me and loving it. Pulling out the chainsaw move and cutting all sorts of shapes. What a great band and a great day. According to Rage we made history, i like to think we did to.

Mmm so what else has been going down. I have started a somewhat 'healthy living regime', wow that makes me sound like a health conscious Nazi. But yeah i am going to try and get into some degree of shape, who knows it if will work we shall see. I'm pretty excited for summer right now, Glastonbury is a mere 2 weeks away and will most definately be a blast, we have quite a little crew going this year which is going to be brilliant. I'M ON THE PARK STAGE. Poor Park Stage security guard doesnt know what's coming. After Glastonbury the beautiful Newquay awaits, 8 cheeky chaps in one retirement cottage, madness is sure to ensue. Then the little matter of Reading, maybe Sonisphere and God knows what other madness this summer. It's good to be alive. I am a happy lad right now, life is pretty neat,meeting some amazing new people and taking part in general fun activitys, SO MANY ACTIVITYS. If happiness was a baseball i just smashed it out of the stadium into the car park.

Well i think the time has come for this post to come to an end. I feel enlightened, reading through my own thoughts makes me realise how wonderful i am. I kid. But it is good fun and i reccomend you try it some time. Anyway the last boat leaving blog Island is ready to depart so i guess my time is up, time to set sail.

Peace and love blog people.

Bob

May has nearly come and gone. Wow!

Ok ok ok, so what i havn't updated this for liek what 3 months, i surely had much more important stuff on my mind and i was persuing a huge range of both engaging and beneficail activites....LOL jk. God i hate that stupid thing, Facebook really annoys me but i cant help but waste hours on that cursed site. I liken it to a form of digital heroin, thing is it's free and you can get a fix whenever you may fancy. It's like the perfect drug at that, totally legal and particularly for those hooked on its dirty younger brother, i call it 'Social-whore-oin', the craving for social interaction. I wont lie i am hooked on both, i like interacting with other human beings but maybe facebook isn't healthy for the young children of today. I feel that the spoken word may slowly be deteriorating due to online interaction, but hey what do i know.

Ok a recap of the last few months, what has been going on let me see....mmm amazing how i cant remeber much. I have been having a good time i guess with the motely crew, partying and what not as we do. University is going rather well and as I write I only have 2 exams left. I've had an intense 2 days of exams, two 3 hour powerhouses, both 9 am starts which i got up for a lot easier than i imagined i would. I have discovered that I really do enjoy getting up early, the world is such a better place early in the morning, it seems more peaceful, i think even the weather knows this as it is often glorious first thing! I may start training my body to get up early, I feel it will do me the world of good but i can;t help but think i wont keep it up. Maybe if i had stuff to get up for everyday then I would actually get up, i blame a relaxed university lifestyle for my downfall.

A random note to self, one which i have learnt over the last few months. All girls are crazy, absolutely crazy, utterly mad, psychotic may even be appropriate. Whats the deal with you girls eh? Ok rant over.

Mmm i'm going to be totally honest right now, i don't really want to write anymore i may watch some random videos on the internet until my eyes hurt because they have been staring at a screen for to long. The great thing about having no readers is there is nobody to complain. This being the case i am essentially talking to myself, making me as crazy as all the girls in the World. But alas nobody is reading this therfore it's not happening therefore i am not crazy. Wow i feel better.

Goodbye for now, see ya in 3 months.

BK Baracus.

Wow I suck

So yeah, i kept regulalry updating my blog for like 2 weeks, wow i'm crap. But hey it has not been forgotten, nope here i am again. Maybe in this blog i will just spout some memories as and when they come to my head, hmmm.

As i write this i am once again experiencing some illness, some sort of head cold - it sucks. I swear my internal defences are weak, those damn forces. I'm not sure if its just me but i often imagine my immune system as a tiny army, i'm not sure why it just amuses me. Things would be so much more amusing that way, fighting off an infection bought to a whole new light. I believe in a cruel twist of fate the mild change in weather has cursed me with this cold. It all started when that fickle friend of mine the sun started shining enough to encourage me to clean my car, then BAM a chill hit me and now i am moping around dosing up on max strength cold and flu. I believe it is a course set forth in my life to be constantly battling against allergies and diseases destined for the nerds. Well sun, you either burn me or lure me into a false sense of security, you have some making up to do.

On the university front, things are going ok. Only one week until i break up for a glorious Easter, all that stands in my way is an essay on British people and whether or not they want to be private. It's a real interesting one and maybe i will post ot on here when i am done - or maybe not who knows. It's amazing how quickly a uni term will fly past and i am still taking the place for granted,the year is basically over as when we return after easter it's pretty much exams. The summer should be nice times, i am excited and have a lot of good times ahead i'm sure. I am looking forward to festivals oh yes i am, but thats a topic i could waffle on about all day long, i will save it for another time! Now let's bump this happy outlook down a little, i am very much missing people who aren't in my life right now but hey i'm sure life will find a way (Jurrasic Park quotations oh yes!)

Hmm, i am rather tired right now and although this has been a short update it was an update none the less. Oh yes it just came to mind, Deaf Havana are awesome, saw them at the square and they owned the place. Another thing - me and james are hoping to start some sort of promotions shindig, it would be great and i hope we can sort something out!

BAM.

Until the next update (which will hopefully be a lot sooner),

Over and out.