As was to be expected, this poor little blog has been left, neglected, cold and alone for months on end, but finally the moment has come for me to re-kindle the old flame. Actually I’m not only going to re-kindle the old flame, I’m going to cover this blog in petrol, strike a match, throw it in slow motion and fire this baby up on a whole new level. Ok in fairness I’m just going to write a blog post, but that previous passage made it seem so much more exciting. I will now dip my metaphorical quill in the pot of metaphorical memory flavoured ink and etch something beautiful into the metaphorical canvas located behind your eyeballs.

So where did I leave off. I believe I was discussing my birthday and all the joys that were to come with it that feeling of being King for a day, people giving me gifts like I was some sort of hero. It was nice. And in fairness it was amazing, my wonderful family and friends organised a surprise trip to Prague, which was amazing. A bunch of my favourite people in a badass, if not run down and seedy, city, and boy did we have a good time. We partied in some dirty Czech drink houses, trekked around the city and viewed some mind boggling architecture which I loved so very much. This trip will always be one of my fondest recollections, being there with my family and friends was so lovely, we had no cares just good times. That's what it's all about right. Getting offered midgets in suitcases, running away from fake undercover cops, just experiencing this Eastern European hotbed of culture, vice, seedy activities and resounding Soviet influence was special on many levels. The best thing was being there with all of the people closest to me. I enjoy the little things in life.

I really do enjoy the little things in life and I feel this deserves its on micro-paragraph. Regardless of anything, some of the smallest things in life (insert penis joke) can bring the most happiness in my opinion. Spending time with friends and family. Having a well deserved nap. Making someone smile. Getting a text that brightens your day. Beautiful. (End of micro-paragraph)

So let me take a little walk down memory lane and think what has happened in the last couple of months, I like memory lane, although every time I go there I get the craziest feeling of Déjà Vu, as if I’ve been there before. Oh and the parking is terrible. So let me see, I feel that my dissertation is worth a mention, the soul destroying project that stole hours of my time and Ten Thousand words I will never get back. Although I left it late I was rather proud of my effort, it's probably terrible but I enjoyed it! If anybody would like a copy don't hesitate to ask. The thing is i know for a fact nobody will ask for a copy, but if anyone has ever sat there and wondered how the perception of the Soviet Union changed in Britain from 1945-1950 (with direct reference to The Times Newspaper), then this is your lucky day. Now I kid myself that people actually read this, in reality these words will never reach anyone’s optical receptors (made that term up) so therefore in theory nothing really matters, I may asdwell staryt speling stuff wronhg, who cares, nobody readhs this! Now I’m subconsciously talking to myself, like some kind of weird schizophrenia with this blog as the middle man, better stop encase I get incarcerated....again. (joke). So yes, Dissertation polished off, uni is going as well as possible although my attendance is maybe nothing to celebrate. Work at cinehell is as monotonous as ever, although I could be worse off. This paragraph is boring me now, I want to delete it but I feel bad, poor words never done any harm to anyone. Boring.

Although this has probably been a rather boring blog session, it still feels nice to get pen to paper, well finger to keyboard. In my last post I talked about some stuff that was going well and how time, that crafty devil, would tell as he is prone to do. Well time did tell and if there is one thing that time told me it's this: You're an idiot. He looked me in the eyes and said 'Bobby, you're an idiot'. Fuck you time. Fuck you. I don't like to swear all that often but some people really rattle my cage, particularly time. I think Time would be an amazing fictional character to write about, Time is the only thing there has always been and always will be, until the end of Time that is, can time end? What is time? So many questions so little time. I've written the word 'time' so many times now it doesn't even look like a real word anymore. Time and time again. Good times!

Well I feel that the time has come to end this little session of memory extraction and self counselling, how very odd this will be to read back, I hope you enjoyed it. Funny thing is nobody reads this so it doesn't matter. If a tree falls in a forest with nobody around does it still make a noise? If a blog sits there not being read does it still, erm.....make a noise?

I need to start writing more, I need to write poems, I need to have more fun, I need to work harder, I need to work out harder, I need to be happier than I’ve ever been, I need to make people feel special and appreciated, I need to make people smile, I need to make people happy and I need to make myself happy. I need to make myself happier. I am happy, sad things happen but I am happy and I am thankful for the life I live.

But for now the main thing I need to do is stop chatting so much shit, end this blog and go to sleep!

Adios friends.

Welcome to the new year...or something.

I believe this may well be overdue, as per usual. Well i knew this would happen, so technically i allowed the future to run its course, and turn into the present. Yup, here we are. I guess a lot has happened since I last posted. I must have slept close to 70 times since then, i must have eaten like 200 meals - it boggles the mind it really does. But yes i guess it is time for me to pick a coconut from the memory/coconut tree, smash it open and let you all try a little of it's delicious milky water.


So where did i leave off. I'd say Halloween as a guess, yup i'm going to go for that! November and December have literally flown by to be completely honest, like literally i had to check in, take on a bag of handluggage, choose my in-flight meal and enjoy the ride. The university front has been bleak, it always is this time of year. The motivation to get up and go in this bleary/depressing English winter really has tested me to my very core. And admittedly on several occasions i have given up fighting the good fight, and given in to the tempations of my foxy mistress, also know as my bed. My bed isn't even partcuarly amazing, it's mediocre at best, but boy oh boy how hard it is to leave! Anyone with a heavenly bed, i really do applaud you for being able to remove yourself from it - it's people like you who make this country! Talking of the winter, i really do hate it with a passion. I once had a mutual understanding with Jack Frost and his winter cronies but now we don't see eye to eye, he deleted me from Facebook and neither of us care. I am officially a summer lover, oh those beautiful days when everything just seems better. For example let us compare the winter and summer skies. In the winter the sky always seems so unhappy, so grey and miserable, whereas in the summer it seems jolly, so blue and just happy to be there! Even winter animals are more depressing. All i see in the winter is the ocasional depressed looking fox who seems as if it's just been served divorce papers and maybe the odd pigeon who just doesn't seem to be enjoying life. Compare this to the summer where my garden is like a scene from bambi, happy animals skipping back and forth, with badgers just stopping in the street to ask me how my day has been. Times change in the winter!

Ok to stray away from that slightly odd last paragraph, lets meet the matters at hand with an iron fist. Christmas and New Year were rather lovely this year to be honest. Christmas itself was lovely, it made me smile, not unlike this -> :). New Years was a great party, i got involved in the Camden vibes with a bunch of the chaps, and yeah we partied hard. Arriving home at 7.30 in the morning is a sure fire indicator of a good night, although it could also be a sure fire indicator for many other things, for example i could have fallen, hit my head, and woke up at 7.30, but hey! So the 'New Years Resolution', bit of a bullshit concept but what the heck. I guess this year i need to start SLEEPING, well at the right times at least, that would be wonderful. A bit rich coming from me as I'm writing this at 2.50am, what an idiot I am. I think general hard work by my part is a good one, as is giving the gym some love and attention. Pretty standard really. I also have a personal resolution which I will hopefully succeed in, fingers crossed, touch wood, two magpies,avoid walking under a ladder, keeping all mirrors intact ETC! If there's one thing time is good at,is telling, so yeah time will tell!

So what does the future hold for myself. Well in Eight (8) days, i shall be 21 years of age, scary really. That should be fun, birthdays always are kind of nice, they make me a feel a little bit special for that 24 hour window in which we can say, say 'Yes, today, was indeed, in years gone by, the day of, yeah you guessed it MY BIRTH' - or something like that. My 'Mardy Bums' night thingys are going pretty well, we shall see how these turn out too.Things are looking good, i have a bunch of wonderful people in my life and for this i am genuinely thankful. I believe I will let fate dictate my path of existence, if fate doesn't show it's pretty face i shall let flipping a coin decide, either that or one of those 8 Balls that you shake for a mysterious answer!

I feel my mediocre bed is calling me. Actually i feel slightly bad. Yes on the outside my bed doesn't look anything special, but it has been the vehicle for many enjoyable dream based journeys, so yeah my bed is special to me. Not unlike an ugly child who is still loved by its mother. I love my ugly bed.

I have every intention to keep this updated regularly, but in reality see you in 3 months.

From my brain to yours.

(Signed) Bobby Kalafi

Ahoy there World.

Good day there weirdo.

Well i thought i would jot a few things down why not i hear myself subconsciously mutter. I believe my last jaunt i wrote about was Reading festival and all the tomfoolery along the way. Holy mother of window, i cant believe that was pretty much 2 months ago - time flies when you're existing. Well hey existing is a bit of a pessimist term i reckon, I'm living like alive things do. So let me climb to the highest diving board and jump straight into the memory pool.

I've been working pretty hard i guess in some sense, I've had a few jobs on the go, not only am i King of all things cinematic, i also make lawns look pretty and even screwed some walls together in the effort to convert a loft to something it once was not. I've had my work based finger in many pies this summer and I think it has broadened my horizons, challenged me but in all i think it gave me a healthy dose of reality. I also met some great new people, which is one of the things that I truly enjoy - this world is full of people and I'd meet them all if i had my way. Well not all of them, there is a fair few people I'd happily never meet. These include in no particular order: Margaret Thatcher, Axl Rose, Robert Mugabe, Christian Bale and the lady who dropped the cat in the wheelie bin. Also there are more. But hey, if there weren't wankers int he world who would we healthy vent our animosity towards i ask you?

Oh Halloween is on the way yeah it is, one of my favourite times of the year right here. Not 100% sure why but i just get this feeling, it's one of excitement coupled with child-like glee. I cant wait to dress up this year and party so hard with other ghouls and popular fear-figures. I think fear like many other things in life is addictive, i love a good scare - what a junkie i am. Talking of scares, I'm going to see the new Paranormal Activity film tonight, oh gosh I'm scared. Fun times ahead. I'd like to experience Halloween in America sometime, those Yanks sure take it to heart and i like that, why the devil not! (Devil pun, i like.)

Now for no other reason than me being very chilly, I'm going to cut(throat) this post short. Wow i love those Halloween puns yeah i do! I'm in 'grave' danger of catching a cold so i think this post has reached its demise. It has been lovely having you.

For the moment i'm as Happy as me in a candy shop. And that is quite happy. We'll see how it plays out but yeah. Things are looking up....up.....up...and away.

(Take scare. Oh ha ha.)

From the finger tips of Bobby Kalafi.

Reading - you beaut.

Ok so this is long overdue. I have been lazy but I’m sure by now we are used to this, so no use crying over spilt milk etc etc, let us begin. It is time for me once again to cast my metaphoric fishing rod into the stream that happens to contain metaphorical fish shaped memories. In the words of ADTR - LET’S GO!

This blog entry is dedicated to Reading festival and what a beautiful festival it is. The place is alive with the stench of youthful exuberance, cider and burning chairs, what a great combination! The build-up to this years festival was long and my excitement was truly brimming when the day finally came. It was a stormy night in Gotham city....I mean Harlow... when I was picked up by Andy in his absolute beast of a jeep; this beaut was a pleasure to ride in - so much room for activities! The convoy from H-Town to Reading was rather impressive although in the monsoon one of our noble steeds (cars) was lost but all was fine in the end. Upon arriving in Reading there was true magic in the air, the kind of magic Harry Potters wand spewed after he has beer bonged a few too many strongbows!

After the strenuous waiting about and slogging across a site similar to the Somme, we finally set up our beautiful little camp. Situated close to the beautiful hedge in Orange campsite, this place was to be our home for the next few days. This stretch of mud saw atrocities reminiscent of a Japanese POW camp and party’s reminiscent of an all girl’s catholic boarding school after they managed to sneak in boys and vodka. I had so much fun over these days and the memories I have will hold a dear place in my mind for the remaining years of which I can actually remember stuff. How about I take a few moments to document some of these moments of tomfoolery and charming youthful fun, yes I shall. I met a good few new people on this trip and as ever meeting new people is one of my favourite tipples, they were all ever so cool and contributed to the overall experience. And of course all of the pals I went with you guys made it too, you are all crazy yet beautiful human beings who I am proud to call my friends - we did well guys. Ok enough sentiment, time to mention the SCUTTLERS. Wow what a beautiful activity scuttling is, for those of you who do not know it basically involves choosing a target, then encircling said target while chanting 'Scuttle,scuttle, scuttle scuttle scuttle'. A new breed of scuttler was developed at Reading, our numbers grew and the scuttling was top notch, well done everyone! My personal favourite scuttle was the girl who got the Fosters crate over her head... BAM she couldn't see a thing! Our lovely campfire that consisted of stolen chairs is also worth a mention, the mountain of charred tent poles was a sight to behold, shame the dweeby security/ghostbuster had to come and put it out with his water pistol! The crazy drug/alcohol induced acts that went on in camp were numerous and if I were to write about them all I think I may be here until next year’s festival so I think I shall move on....to the music!

I almost forgot Reading was a music festival while writing about the camp antics....but I assure you it is! This year I watched some great performances and musically it was one of the best festivals I’ve been too. The Libertines reunion was always going to be either a huge success or a heroin tainted (baby)shambles, (notice what I did there?). I was ever so glad though to bear witness to an amazing set, Barat/Doherty/Hassall and Powell gripped me by the testicles that evening and dragged me on a sweaty/boozy journey back to the early days of the libertines and I bore witness to the last true English rock legends doing their thing. These guys blew me away and I take my imaginary hat off to them, they are all great at what they do and regardless of what anyone says Doherty is a genius! Weezer were another great performance and one of my favourite of the weekend. These guys bring a whole new dimension to the stage and I found myself in a happy little Weezer inspired bubble while watching them, Rivers Cuomo is a man after my own heart, he is a genius just like myself and is unlike any front man I have ever borne witness too, quite simply he's the man! Musically these guys are brilliant and I found myself dragged into skit around the streets of Beverley Hills - courtesy of Rivers and co! A memorable performance was that of Guns and Roses, but not for the right reasons. Axel Rose is quite possibly the biggest moron on the face of the Earth, and after turning up an hour late (potential because his oversized ego got stuck in a doorway?), he and his cronies put on a lacklustre performance that was cut short due to licensing laws. We attempted to rush the stage but we were tackled down by the hired goons. Fuck you Axel! Other bands worth mentioning in no particular order are: A Day To Remember, this guys are awesome, they rocked hard and had an impressive array of hardcore boy band moves like the in sync head banging! Blink 182 were a pleasure to watch but they let me down slightly, I fear I was expecting too much maybe? Mumford and Sons were brilliant, the crowd around the NME tent was huge, like thousands of ants trying to converge around one lump of delicious Mumford and Son flavoured sugar. These guys are destined for big things I’m sure, me and Craig managed to sneak backstage and meet them, we even saw them warm up before they went on stage in a tiny backstage cabin, they were all singing and playing their instruments in harmony it was quite special to watch! A few other bands that were swell included The King Blues, Limp Bizkit, Biffy and Paramore to name but a few!

I fear this post has spiralled out of control, like a one man plane being flown by an alcoholic chimpanzee. Like all good things and all not so good things for that matter, Reading came to an end and so will this post. One thing I forgot to mention was I met Travis Barker, that guy is a dude, we are basically best friends now! Reading is an amazing festival, it's the playground of the young who with fire in their souls (not to mention cider and other narcotics) party with such a passion, a passion for life and not giving a fuck, sticking it to the man and burning stuff for the sake of making fire. The Reading riots can get out of hand but maybe it is due to the oppression the youth of today live under, Reading is an opportunity to vent our anger!....Ok I’m talking bollocks it's a bunch of pissed up kids being little hooligans but it is a hell of a lot of fun! If I ever have kids I’ll tell them of when their dad was a little shite just like themselves, scuttling innocent people and generally being a menace - oh how proud they'll be.

This has been quite a nice stroll down memory lane, although while walking down this lane I passed several dozen burnt tents and was scuttled by an angry group of teens! Until next time this is goodbye, and for my passing comment I will say this....life is good and I love you all (apart from the jerks), peace.

From the Brain and finger tips of Bobby Kalafi.

P.S - Back your hand up BOY!!! That was for Naya, hubba hubba ;)

x

Void

Dearest brain. I shall update this space soon, Newquay and all the madness it bought shall be spread upon these pages like a not so subtle sneeze.

Soon.

Soon.

I got bitten by the Glasto bug

I don't think I could ever give Glastonbury festival the credit it deserves using my mere mortal pen (well keyboard), but I sure can give it a go! I am writing this very much for my own benefit, so in my pre-senile mid-life glory days, I can look back and think, wow man you used to be cool! People often describe Glastonbury as something special but until you actually arrive for the first time and take in this place you don't fully appreciate its scale, the very magic that blows through this farm, mingled with the stench of human excrement of course!

I'm sure some wise, yet undoubtedly nerd like being once said something along the lines of 'It's not the destination, but the journey bla de bla'. But the journey to Glasto was great times, my car consisted of Craig, Flemmo and the Scotsman, we had some great laughs and the excitement was brimming. The excitement flowing through my veins was like a kind of Somerset homemade heroin; I couldn't wait for the biggest hit of them all that would shoot through me as the festival site slowly crept into view over some humble Pilton tree line. 3 hours of banter, a well timed mooney and general debauchery later we reached our goal, pulling into the car park I kinda felt as if I was pulling into my second home, my second home that I shared with 175000 others, all part of the same family flowing with good Karma. We eventually set up our camp, this place was home for the next 6 days, it treated us well and we attempted to keep it clean, sadly this didn’t work but luckily we didn't get rats (potential jibe aimed at James there).

When walking around Glastonbury I truly feel as if I belong, and I think this is one of the greatest things about the festival. It’s almost like another world, there are no prejudices and it seems everyone is accepted, what a beautiful vibe indeed. Black,White,Green or Yellow nobody cares, in a good way of course. The vastness of the festival itself always astounds me, I believe we must have walked close to 100 miles all in all, maybe less but 100 is a nice round number. We walked around so much but still saw less than half of it I’m sure. I read that the festival becomes the third largest city in Somerset or something which I thought was kinda cool, maybe you agree, maybe you don’t? I feel that the guys I went with helped make the festival what it was, heck I’m sure of it. Jumbo,Ryan,Ross,Craig,Jamie,Matt and Calum, you guys made this shit what it was, some of the best days of my life, thank you.

Ok enough of this emotional man love, maybe a mini review of the music as I guess it is a huge part of the festival. Although there were some great acts, this year in particular I took a different outlook. I wasn't overly fussed about seeing bands and didn't let it turn me into a maniac running from stage to stage, I took it easy and in true Glasto style took each day as it came, what a great way to live! Regardless of that heartfelt speech I did see quite a few bands anyway! I will try to rattle off a few of the more memorable ones. 'There's only one Rolfy Haaris, one Rolfy Haaris!' - Rolf opening the festival was perfect, dancing around as this Australian wizard sang all his greats made me so happy, as perfect a moment as I can recall in my so far beautifully lived life! Vampire weekend were well up there for me, this band truly are one of my favourites, and admittedly I once frowned upon them boy have I been converted to the church of vamp. I love their music, it takes me to a place I want to be, puts me into the frame of mind I want to be in, and most importantly it makes me happy. I think these guys are genius, particularly the front man Ezra, whom after meeting him at Reading and him allowing me and Craig to watch the band from the side of the stage, will always go down in my books as a true legend. The Courteeners will always stay in my memory for not particularly music reasons. I like a few of their songs but as middle of the road indie goes I’m not so won over, but in fairness these guys put on a great show. The true magic of their performance was created by us. Me and Craig managed to sweet talk, duck and dive our way onto the actual stage while they were playing, a great talent we seem to possess. Upon looking at the crowd and beside being blown away, we noticed Jumbo, Ross and Jamie waving up at us, then we spotted Matt and Ryan who were also shouting up at us, what a surreal moment that will surely stay with me. I'M TALKING BACKSTAGE! (had to be there moment!). After me and Craig got kicked out by security we managed to wade our way to the front of the crowd where we were all united, what a beautiful moment, for this I guess I must thank the Courteeners, however vain their front man is (Bell end). Biffy Clyros secret set was a beautiful super Scottish explosion of raw rocking energy, all fit into moderately tight orange jeans. This set was filled with such passion and raw brute irn-bru fuelled aggression it was a pleasure to behold, the huge crowds situated on the surrounding hills was equally impressive. The random gipsy like band we saw on the shoddy little bandstand stood out for sheer fun, there’s something about a band making you lay on your back and pretend to ride a bicycle that makes them somewhat memorable. Gorrilaz were special, in a good or bad way I still cannot decide. The passion shown by Damon Albarn was humbling but also kind of sad, as admittedly the crowd were not showing the appreciation he so desired. Maybe this performance will not go down in his mind as one of this best, but more like a blur of something that might have been. Wow I’m good. Oh that reminds me for some strange reason that Scissor sisters and their super campness-fuelled endless energy was insane, what a great act! Along with the cheeky Kylie appearance, maybe a warm up for her headline performance next year, I’m sure it’s on the cards, just whether or not Eavis chooses to deal it I guess! Muse were good, but as you can by my use of the extremely boring adjective 'good' they will not go down in my own personal history books as one of the greats. Oh yes and if anybody has a spare needle please lend it to Matt Bellamy to deflate his head, maybe him and the guy from Courteeners should consider a side project? Now onto the gem in Glastonbury’s musical crown, Stevie Wonder! Wow this performance was amazing, it was the perfect end to my festival, as me and some of the guys chilled from afar in our devilishly comfortable camping chairs, watching this God of Motown do his thing, and does anybody do this 'thing better', I greatly doubt this. As he paid tribute to Michael Jackson, playing 'Human Nature' on his harmonica, I knew I was witnessing musical legend in the flesh, a real 'Glastonbury moment' that will stay with me until my dying days!

I feel this entry has turned more into a short story, but hey it feels right, it just feels right, it feels the complete opposite to left, which is right. Maybe time for a few random yet amazing memories/stories/sayings that made this trip so great. To be honest I don’t fancy writing these fully so maybe a mish-mash list. Sounds good to me. The saying 'I'm Talking downtown' that evolved into a saying for all occasions e.g. I can’t wait to eat, I'm talking noodles!' - you get the picture. The general nicknames that developed, particularly 'King Boob', which was given to Jamie after his boob like actions, mainly for losing his ticket and being denied re-entry to the festival for about an hour - you're always getting left behind, I’m talking King Boob!'. My Chewbacca mask that I once put on in the morning wearing nothing put some skimpy pants and generally dancing around, sometimes with a spot of morning glory, how charming! Ryan being King Nap and overly sleeping along with James being a general drunken mess meeting random gay friends. Ross being a general comical genius introducing me to to phrases such as 'Gooons' and 'HEY BABEEEEY', pure magic. Mocking Cockburns general Scottishness and Flemmos tendency to fall in love. Craig just being himself, probably the funniest person i know and constantly having me in stitches, ' You may wanna cover me in butter, cos I’m one baked potato!'. Stealing some poor souls wheelbarrow and wheeling Craig proudly along in it. Our general sneaking backstage tricking the cavemen like security and meeting Alex Turner,Florence,Zane Lowe and fair few other cool individuals. Our epic journey home that could have been so depressing but which actually lead to so many laughs in our game of 'oneupmanship overtaking'- amazing game.

Like all good things, this post should really come to an end. Glastonbury really is something I feel everyone should experience, maybe it's not your cup of tea? But if it is, I guarantee you that will be the sweetest tea you ever drink. I have my amazing memories, the pictures and the slight tan. Thank you Glastonbury.

From my brain to yours with much sincerity,

Bob.

Well here i am, managing to squeeze this over due blog entry in the midst of frantic packing. Me and the motely crew shall soon be embarking on a journey of enlightenment, a journey of self discovery and extreme partying. We're going to a little village in Somerset for a festival known as Glastonbury. Boy oh boy am i excited, although my current packing efforts are somewhat non-existent. Packing really is quite lame, i don't like it one bit. It almost makes me nervous, packing stuff to go away and knowing it is very likely i have forgotten something. (That reminds me pack ticket will be right back!). Ok that's sorted, imagine that rolling up without a ticket, what a kick in the balls that would be!

But yes, the beautiful summer starts now in my books. Hitting the road with a group of my best pals, singing,shouting at passers by, getting naked erm i mean....but yes the road trip itself is a huge part of the fun, just hoping i don't fall asleep that would be all sorts of a catastrophe! Who knows what crazy people I'm going to meet over the next few days, which abstract bands I'm going to dance to as if my bones were non-existent - that's some crazy dancing right there! I have a lot to look forward to this summer and generally i am loving life right now. The people in my life are absolute gems, diamonds,sapphires and all other sorts of precious stones! Without the people around me who i love ever so much, my life wouldn't be fun at all so thank you one and all! (unless you are a dickhead of course!)

Well this blog is going to have to be short yet ever so delightfully sweet. I shall cheer on South Africa for another ten minutes (by the way i love the world cup, but that's a story for another day), and then i shall continue packing and this wonderful week long party shall begin.

Yours with love. Your biggest fan,

Bobby Kalafi VII